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Wednesday, 09 December 2015 17:06

Gift Guide: Buzzkill

Written by  Steven G. de Polo
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Gift Guide: Buzzkill Illustration: Anthony Carpenter

The Buzzkill is kryptonite to conversation and plutonium for parties. You don’t know she’s there until everything is dead around you. Keep her busy this holiday season feeling miserable and full of doom, but just keep Buzz Killington far away from you. 

 

Shop

The American Opinion Bookshop draws Buzzkill like a moth to a flame. Chock full of media and manifestos, it’s like the comment section of MLive come to life. From the sticker on the door “Get U.S. Out of the United Nations!” to books on the evils of public education. Give Buzzkill some light reading like The Dollar Meltdown: Surviving the Impending Currency Crisis with Gold, Oil, and Other Unconventional Investments. Just because she is a Buzzkill does not mean she is wrong.

The Dollar Meltdown: Surviving the Impending Currency Crisis with Gold, Oil, and Other Unconventional Investments, $27.95

American Opinion Bookshop, 1369 Plainfield Ave. NE, Grand Rapids, (616) 458-0226

Do

During the lights, cheer and generosity of the holiday season, Buzzkill can only think that the story ends with Baby Jesus nailed to a tree. Buzzkill celebrates with Live Mannequins! in downtown Saint Joseph on Dec. 4. The evening begins with Light Up the Bluff, a massive light display at Lake Bluff Park at 6:30 p.m. Then, Buzzkill visits the Live Mannequins lining St. Joe’s storefronts. Dark, cold and perfectly still, the volunteer mannequins warm the Buzzkill’s heart. “Watch out for Raynaud’s disease,” she murmurs. 

Live Mannequins!, Downtown Saint Joseph, Dec. 4, 6:30-8:30 p.m., Free!, stjoetoday.com, (269) 985-1111

Listen

Individualistic like the Buzzkill, Hannah Rose Graves and the GravesTones is an unharnessed force of light and energy. She oozes soul, blues and rock with spine-tingling passion like how the Buzzkill oozes woebegone melancholia. Buzzkill will be standing in the back row at the Hannah Rose Graves and the GravesTones concert on Dec. 16 at the SpeakEZ Lounge. They probably won’t play her favorite song. She can also catch Hannah Rose on New Year’s Eve at Rockford Brewing Company with Megan Dooley.

Hannah Rose Graves and the GravesTones, hannahrosegraves.com

Eat

Red and processed meat causes cancer. Dairy — hives and anaphylaxis. Buzzkill studies WebMD like a Talmudic scholar. She prefers to browse the aisles of Nourish Organic Market to help her eat healthily and ethically. When hosting a party, not that anyone will attend, Buzzkill likes to pick up dips like creamy and nutty Punk Rawk Labs Original Nut Milk Cheese ($9.99) and Cultured Coconut Milk by So Delicious ($3.00). Then she opens a couple bags of Brad’s Raw Chips in cheddar ($6.49) and Peas Please Sea Salt by Peeled Snacks. So healthy, Buzzkill will probably die of old age.

Vegan hors d’oeuvres, Nourish Organic Market, 634 Wealthy St. SE, Grand Rapids, nourishorganicmarket.com, (616) 454-3663

Watch

Keep your Christmas caroling and tree lightings, because Buzzkill wants to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s The Ghosts of Christmas Eve at the Van Andel Arena. Why waste time strengthening the bonds of family and friendship? She’d rather witness the visual and audible onslaught of TSO, described as a mix of The Who’s Tommy, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pink Floyd. 

Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, Van Andel Arena, 130 W. Fulton, Grand Rapids, Dec. 6, 3 p.m. and 7:30 p.m., $36.50-$76.50, vanandelarena.com, (616) 742-6600

 

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