Let’s be honest: We all have a little sinful itch that needs scratching every now and again. But you don’t need to be named Dante or traverse the nine circles of Hell to experience the seven deadly sins firsthand. Fortunately for you, West Michigan has you covered.
Déjà Vu/Little Darlings, Kalamazoo — Proudly showcasing “1000s of Beautiful Girls and 3 Ugly Ones,” Déjà Vu has the benefit of name recognition thanks to its multiple locations across the country. How this benefits you, the gawking, drooling patron, is with events like its annual Melon Fest competition where the best showgirls from across the state travel to various venues and compete for the coveted title of Melon Queen. And what could be better than a gentlemen’s club that can draw sexy women from all over Michigan? How about its attached sister club, Little Darlings, it offers even more girls, plus booze.
DiPiazza’s Pizzeria, Grand Rapids — DiPiazza’s Pizzeria in Grand Rapids has just what you need to induce a sweaty, gut-rupturing food coma in their “Big Di’s Mega Challenge” pizza-eating contest. The rules are simple: You and a friend try your damnedest to shove a 30-inch, two-topping pizza into your faceholes in 30 minutes or less without blowing chunks. A typical Big Di’s Pizza weighs in somewhere between 12-14 pounds, so this is a fairly hefty task, which is why they offer a $450 cash prize to anybody who can stomach it. Even if you fail, you get to keep the T-shirt that’s included with the entry fee.
Four Winds Casino, New Buffalo, Dowagiac, Hartford — We all have fantasies of striking it rich without actually having to work for it. And while some of us hover around gas station counters scratching our dignity away one ticket at a time, others prefer the glamour and excitement casinos have to offer. Four Winds is the perfect destination to satiate your appetite for get-rich-quickness, being consistently ranked as one of the top casinos in Michigan. Just a few of the reasons it’s the boss: It has a colossal gaming floor, its progressive slot machines link to others around the country and generate enormous jackpots, and there are freaking three of them right here in West Michigan.
The Grocery Guy, Grand Rapids — Leaving the house is overrated. We can keep up with all of our friends on social media, stream movies to our televisions without having to go rent a physical disc and scream profanities at children from the comfort of our gaming headsets. Thanks to Tinder it’s even possible to score an STI without stepping foot in a crowded bar. Unfortunately, we still need to visit the grocery store occasionally to grab our frozen dinners and toilet paper … wait, what’s that? The Grocery Guy in Grand Rapids will deliver our groceries to us? Sweet. Back to the couch.
Excalibur Paintball, Battle Creek — Tucked in the middle of absolutely nowhere is over 40 acres of fields, forest and man-made structures ripe for unleashing your inner-Rambo. Excalibur Paintball offers the largest and most engaging outdoor paintball venue in the area, with plenty of drop-in and “Big Game” dates. There’s also complete rental packages allowing you to rain down painful, welted death upon friends and complete strangers alike, presumably while laughing maniacally.
Cirilla’s, Portage — Whether 50 Shades of Grey has recently opened your eyes or you’re a seasoned veteran of streaming depraved, freaky porn sites, you’re probably feeling left out of this mounting kinky trend. Luckily, Cirilla’s in Portage offers curious folks like you a wide selection of toys and bedroom accessories that you’ll probably be too self-conscious to actually buy and use. But if you can muster up the courage, your next lights-off, under-the-covers rendezvous could be stocked with wacky coital shenanigans usually reserved for people more exciting than yourself.
The Gatsby Nightclub, Kalamazoo — Touting itself as posh, sexy and sophisticated, The Gatsby in downtown Kalamazoo’s Entertainment District is the ideal locale to quell that desire to feel more important than you actually are. It’s a nightclub offering more than just music, drinks and dancing. The Gatsby also boasts bottle service, VIP areas, private dining options, and an atmosphere enhanced with beautiful people and self-importance. Go on, indulge a little. Feed your ego’s hunger for feelings of exclusivity and vainglory.